One thing I’ve always struggled with since moving out and starting university has been self care. Eating healthy, exercising, showering, brushing my teeth, socializing, keeping a clean home. Most of these likely come naturally or easily to neurotypical students but, to me, they are all a massive and draining undertaking.
I’ve consistently been told by my therapists and psychiatrists that the key to solving my difficulties is to build habits and routines. The concept they can’t seem to grasp is that I can’t do things without thinking.
For example: when I’m popping ice cubes out of the tray, I have to consciously and deliberately remove each ice cube. My thought process goes something like, “Ok, first one. Hold the tray on this side, put my thumbs on either side of the ice cube, put my fingers underneath, push the ice cube out, be careful not to damage the tray, don’t let the ice cube go flying, I wonder if there’s a better way to do this, why do the ice cubes always stick to the tray so much, ok the ice cube is out, pick up the ice cube, careful not to drop it, put it in the glass, oh jeez that was loud, ok second one…” Repeat for each ice cube.
It’s difficult, it’s stressful, and it leaves me exhausted afterwards. But I get a glass of ice water at the end of it so… Yay?
One of the only times I experience what I think is the state of mind neurotypicals enter when doing “simple” routine tasks is when I’m going for a walk. I always take the same route so, as long as there isn’t anything unexpected going on like construction, I can finally stop focusing on the act of walking and just drift around in my thoughts. Of course, I’m yanked from my mind and tossed into a state of anxiety every time someone else passes by, but my route isn’t usually too busy so I still get some time to space out.
Other tasks such as getting dressed, brushing my teeth, and combing my hair take deliberate and sustained effort. They drain my battery, so to speak, enough that I need to take at least half an hour to recover if I’m to avoid burnout.
Something that’s stuck with me is the response my old ADHD coach gave to me when I described my difficulty doing tasks without thinking. She essentially told me, “Just don’t think that hard about it.”
If it really was that easy… Doesn’t she think I would have done that by now?
Getting ready in the morning takes the same amount of energy as, if not more than, doing 30 minutes of calculus. If I could “just” reduce the energy it takes me to get ready… Doesn’t she think I would have done it by now?
Until fairly recently, I thought that my difficulties with “simple” tasks was because I was broken or lazy. My entire perspective shifted when an autistic friend on Twitter told me that it’s common for autistic people to struggle doing tasks without thinking. I was so relieved, but so frustrated with the way I’ve been treated by mental health professionals, that I just started crying when I read my friend’s words. I’ve since tried to find evidence online to support their words but I haven’t had any success. But… Just reading those words, just knowing that I’m not alone, that it’s not my fault… I can’t describe how much that means to me.
So, if you’re autistic and you need to put all your energy into making a microwave dinner? If you need half an hour or more to recover from getting dressed? I see you. You’re not alone. You’re not overdramatic, or lazy, or broken. You’re doing your best in a world set up against people like us, and I’m infinitely proud of you.
Astro Autistic 